How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
