It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
