Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
