never play flip cup with pint glasses
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I want to fling myself into the sun
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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