i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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