I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
