I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
