why didn't you poke me back
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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