OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
