Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize