i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize