I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
