are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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