Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize