I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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