Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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