There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
