some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
