OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize