plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Drunk is not a location!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
