Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
