Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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