My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
