How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
