true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I stole a fireplace last night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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