hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just invented taco cereal.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
