She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
