I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
