Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
