my phone needs a breathalizer
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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