My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
