the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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