I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
