So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize