oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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