ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
