GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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