tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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