God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
this hospital has no fireball
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
