She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
