Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize