What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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