That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
