If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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