So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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