1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
