Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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