escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
