Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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