She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
