I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize