Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do vagina's smell?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
