youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
