well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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