so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
