You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
