Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
