This dress was meant to end up on your floor
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
