I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i think i just lost a toe
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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