I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
