I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
