Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
