Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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