I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize