Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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