Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
