I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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